A Longing for the Past

The sun breaks free, its rays casting light upon us, as if in a fairytale. The luminance glistens off the meadow as the wistful sky lures me in. I see a red string above us, a red string of hope.

“Instead of us whispering beneath the sheets all night, I was crying beneath them, hiding, embarrassed of my own vulnerability.”

There is a hole through my chest. One that never washes away no matter how much I try to bury it under, no matter how much I try to push it aside. I see it in my dreams, a little girl lost and confused. She stands in the meadow, always that one. 

“Ree-ree! Ree-ree!” She wails.

“Reee… ree?”

There is no “over here, Lia!”  There is no more of the cheery, blond girl who bounced all over the place. Because Ree-ree, Capri, is dead.     

She and Finley have been for a while now. 

“Aliyah, Aliyah, you hear about that new kid? Rumor has it he’s good looking,” Kya whispers while nudging me. 

“Here we go again,” I reply while letting out a sigh. 

I’m in a classroom, walls decked in all sorts of posters, students chatting in clumps. It’s senior year. Time really does fly. The past year, no past nine years, was a daze. Somewhere in the back, a part of me I hushed a long time ago lingers on what could have been. Ree-ree, Jelly, Fin, and Lia. Jalen moved away, and I? I grew up. Because the magical, wish-granting flower or stone never existed. The four of us were stupid, naive little children who messed around and wound up hurt. I want to punch those pretend dreams and rip them apart. Maybe then, those two would still be alive and breathing. Then, we could have dug up our time capsule as promised. But instead, it was just me, myself, and I, crying on the floor with letters I couldn’t bring myself to open. 

“Aliyah,” the teacher calls out.

“Here?”

She lets out a sigh, “No, this isn’t attendance. I’m asking you to answer the question up on the board.”

“Present?” I hazily reply. 

“Clearly, you’re not in the right mind today. Go to the health office.”

Kya gapes beside me, “What? How is that fair? I wish I could get out of this place.”

I drowsily saunter through the halls, each step heavier than the last. There are some days when I feel cursed by the universe. Today is one of them. What are they going to do anyway? Give me an ice pack and bandage?

“Lia?”

My head snaps up, knowing that voice all too well. As soon as I see those black eyes and cheekbones, my first instinct is to run. I sprint the other direction without turning back, thoughts racing through my head. What is Jalen doing here? His family moved away after the incident. I must be hallucinating again. I’m actually going crazy. 

But the way his hair blows back, the way his jaw clenches, the way his fists tighten, it’s oddly real.  I guess my imagination is just too powerful for my own good. Imagination. That’s right, Aliyah. Just a mirage. Just an illusion. I don’t want to think about him again, about us. 

“No running in the halls!”

Oh, would you shut up!  My sanity is on the line here. I lean on the wall for support, breathing ragged and uneven. 

“Lia! It’s me!” He exclaims, one hand on my shoulder. 

I stare back, speechless, everything settling in. This is reality, in school and very much real. And most of all, this person I used to know so well, is real. The memories flood back, pouring in all at once. I remember us running and fumbling through our small village to that strip of forestland. 

“AAAH!” I yell while tripping on a root. 

The loud crack erupts from my ankle as I fall into the ground. The gravel digs into my palms, hot tears streaming down my face. There were no adults around to stop and help. 

“Lia! Are you okay?”

“Lia, does it hurt?”

“We should take her home for now. We can always come tomorrow.”

“No,” I sobbed, “You three should go to the Spot. I can just wait here. I’ll be fine.”

“Come on now. There’s no way I’m leaving a member behind,” Ree-ree declares. 

“I’ll just have to carry you over then. How about that?” J offers. 

I laugh the whole way, forgetting about the fractured ankle. And when we reach the Spot, its flowers are somehow blooming even brighter. 

Sitting together in the courtyard behind the shed, I try my best not to burst out in tears. Every sentiment, every longing I’ve been holding in with a steel gate of regret rose to the surface. I told myself to move on. And I did, right? I made new friends, new memories. Is that not enough? 

He faces me, dark clouds in the atmosphere praying on a bad omen. 

“Lia,” he chokes out, “Let’s visit the forest.”

I did Jalen. I did. And it broke me. 

“Just leave this village. It’s the best thing to do. And don’t call me that,” I whisper, unable to look him in the eyes. 

“But, you’re all I have left.”

“Can’t you see? Us four, we are done. Over. There’s nothing left. Don’t you remember what happened the last time? It’s time to move on.”

That’s right. There was never a future for us. 

“I think you’re the one who hasn’t let go.”

His words strike a chord in me. Because, deep down, I know it’s true. I use these new friends as a cover up for my aching loneliness. I go to sleep petrified of the thought of not remembering Capri and Finley’s faces. And most of all, I do not go back there because I’m scared. I’m so, so scared. 

“Guys… I’m scared,” Fin sniffles, the four of us trekking back home in the dark.

“We’re almost there,” I attempt to comfort, clutching his hand in mine. 

J looks over to us and silently turns the other direction while fidgeting with his fingers. 

“OoOOoo, someone’s jellyy,” Ree-ree giggles.

The clouds start to cry, its tears washing away the good times, crashing me back into this miserable timeline. Maybe in an alternate dimension… 

Drip, drop. Drip, drop. 

“Children, children! Time to go in!”

“Just five more minutes!” Ree-ree yells back. 

We crash into the puddle, water soaking our faces. 

“It’s always going to be like this, right?” Ree-ree questions.

“Promise,” we reply without hesitation. 

Except that is not what fate decided. In front of me are not three snickering children, but instead a gloomy school yard, gray and desolate. 

There is no umbrella like in the movies, just two teenagers getting absolutely drenched, one desperately fighting and the other desperately running. I’ve been running my entire life, away from that day. 

“Let’s go, Lia. Last one to the Rock is a rotten egg!” Jelly declares. 

He takes my hand, starting to race. I try to shake him off, but they appear in front of me, Ree-ree’s sparkling eyes and Fin’s flopping hair, yanking me forward. In that moment, we are two completely normal teenagers, messing around in the rain. The sleeves stuck to my arms, my hair a mess and the dirt piling on my shoes, yet a dim smile creeps up to my face. And when I can’t sprint any longer, Jelly carries me on the back, dripping clothes and all. 

The big oak tree and beat-up bench greet me. While they are covered by overgrown vines and shadowed by a cloud of grey, the feeling is unmistakable. I’m home.

“Hey, look over there! It’s a perfect spot for our hideout!”

“Let’s come here every day!”

“Ooh, we should keep a stash of money in this crack on the trunk!”

The two of us sit there on the painted-white bench, welcoming the rain. There’s a split-seconding peace before I see it. I remember that day crystal clear. 

The time on my watch was 4:29 pm, windy weather with a family of birds chirping nearby. The grass underneath had dew from the night before, leaves scattered across the ground. We had wandered off for a few minutes when Fin set his eyes on a glowing flower resting on top of a tree branch. It was the most beautiful thing I laid my eyes on. 

“I bet it’ll grant us a wish if we can get to it!” Ree-ree shouts. 

“I want to befriend a lion!”

“I want unlimited pizza!”

“Let’s climb the tree! I’ll go first,” I announce.

“Lia, your ankle just healed a week ago. I can go instead,” Ree-ree suggests.

“Then, I’m also coming,” Fin insisted. 

We had stared up with a gleam in our eyes. A hopeful wish, a what-if, was all it took to idly standby, excitement bubbling within. 

Ree-ree stands atop the boulder underneath and hookes her leg on a mini ledge. She grips a closer branch with her left arm and maneuvers the rest of her body on it. Then, she reaches up to the next branch. There’s just one more to go when Fin starts to climb. Ree-ree finally makes it on top, just a couple inches away.

The branch snaps. 

Just as the tips of her fingers graze the flower, Capri Wayfield spirals downward, plummeting into Finley, both skulls splitting on the boulder. In a single second, I hear shrieking, cracking, and the loud thump of my legs collapsing on the floor. Her legs were sprawled out, face pale and eyes lifeless. 

I run and run, tasting the tang of blood in my mouth.

I cry, “Help, Help! Anyone, help!” to whoever would listen.

I scream until the words can no longer come out.

“Help…” 

The horrified faces of our parents,  the blood-stained grass, and the cursed flower, all things I would never forget. And now that I think about it, also the grim expression on Jelly’s face as they tore us apart. He left without even a goodbye. Four had become just one. Instead of us whispering beneath the sheets all night, I was crying beneath them, hiding, embarrassed of my own vulnerability. Some nights I stared out the window, wondering what Jelly was up to. And other nights, that day replayed over and over again, the time on the watch, the chirping in the background, and the two corpses in front of me.

“Lia,” Jelly gestures.

“For you.”

He holds out a flower crown, an array of daisies and sunflowers, and places it on top of my head.

“I’m trying to sulk over here, but you’re interrupting with actions of kindness. I’m afraid you’re ruining my reputation.”

“Deepest apologies, my queen. I solemnly swear to never do so again,” Jelly promises, right hand in an exaggerated salute. 

The sun breaks free, its rays casting light upon us, as if in a fairytale. The luminance glistens off the meadow as the wistful sky lures me in. I see a red string above us, a red string of hope. Suddenly, this place wasn’t so bad after all. 

We come here every day after, as soon as the bell rings. 

“That’s class. Pack it up.”

I gather up all the loose papers and shove them into my bag. Looping a strap over my shoulder, I push the chair under and am the first to the exit. 

“Aliyah, do you wanna go to the boba shop to study?” Leilani asks.

“Maybe next time,” I answer, dodging people through the crowd.

“That’s what you said for the last two weeks!” I hear from behind. 

“Is there a guy I should know about, Missy?!?”

“Nope! Nothing to see here!”

“Lia!”

Now, that’s the name I want to hear. 

“Jel!” I wave. 

I hop on his bike as he hands me a popsicle stick.

“These are… How’d you even manage to get this?”

“A lil’ birdie dropped it off.”

“The kung fu guy is back! He brought even more limited edition ice cream, let’s hurry!”

Vendor in the back, he showed off some kicks and spins, as always.

“You’re back! You’re back!” We yell, overjoyed.

 As we pedal our way to the forest, my eyes scan across the sidewalk, wind blowing my long hair in the back. I question, “Did you ever feel lonely after? Because I did.”

“I still do.”

“Silly Lia, I’m right here!”

The days grow longer, spring transitioning into a blissful summer. Jelly and I go back every chance we get, lying on the green pastures. Until one day…

“Jel, the oak is… glowing.”

It’s exactly like before. The tree’s leaves and tendrils radiate with light, its enchanted trunk begging us to come closer. 

“Make a wish, Lia,” he murmurs, gaping upwards.

There’s just one thing left. I hold my palm against it. 

Please. Bring them back.

I’m back in math class again. But this time, Ree-ree is in the classroom. We lip read from opposite corners and hold in laughter when the teacher’s watching. Fin is sitting behind me. He taps me on the shoulder. When I look back, he’s staring at the ceiling while whistling, a guilty smile written upon his face.

“Lia, isn’t the weather lovely today?”

“Oh yeah, the wall is just soo interesting.”

After, Ree-ree and I are in a stalemate of who-will-take-the-first-step. I yank her shoulder back, tipping her balance. 

“Oh my gosh, how could you forget about me like that?” I utter in complete disbelief. 

“Well, you see, that doesn’t actually count because it wasn’t a natural force. You actually took the first step.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Yuh-huh.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Yuh-huh.”

The four of us then lie in a patch of flowers, grinning like lunatics. It’s even better than I imagined. 

Except, deep down, I know this isn’t real. I’m dreaming, but oh, what a beautiful dream it is. I… I don’t want it to end.

“Lia, are you alright?” Jel worries.

No. That isn’t Jel. That face in front of me doesn’t belong to him. It’s fake. 

All on its own, my body starts to run, run from a finally healthy Ree-ree and Fin, run from everything I ever wanted. 

“Lia, where are you going?”

“Lia, why are you leaving?”

“Lia, why do you hate us?”

I slow down for a second. No, I wanted to scream. I don’t hate you. You three mean the world to me. This is just not what I asked for. The tears start to pool in my eyes, but I wipe them away and keep on going. I don’t want an illusion, no matter how tempting it might be. I want to wake up. 

Jel’s face fills my vision, my cheeks still stained with salt.

“How are you feeling?” He worries.

“I saw a world where they weren’t dead. It was perfect, except none of it was real. Tell me J, did I make the right choice?” I desperately question, shaking him.

“Was it okay to leave them?”

“That’s not for me to decide.”

And after a long pause, I ask, “How about you? What did you see?”

He gazes into my eyes, wind blowing petals into the air. 

“A life with you.”